The List: Flashbacks and Failures
I wonder if the 2017 version of me just wants to be heard, understood, validated, and integrated. Sometimes she knocks quietly; other times she rages. “It’s easy for somebody of your calibre. You could write a list right now,” were the last words I heard from the psychiatrist’s mouth as I tried to gather my belongings and dignity to respond.
“With all due respect, doctor, if it were that simple I would not be here.”
Despair rose as my words fell on deaf ears, tears released after being held too long. I gathered shattered fragments of my soul, stood tall, opened the door, and walked away—wondering if I could survive another day. That day passed in a blur, like so many before, hijacked by careless words and actions that made my fragile state feel even more acute.
I am walking on the edge of a cliff, familiar territory where an internal war rages. Two parts of me clash in full-scale battle, followed by a frozen stalemate, and the day slips away. Plans are sidelined like so many before. Timelines collapse; I no longer know if it’s then or now, how I arrived here or there. Traumas bubble in cells unaware of time—past, present, or future—only existing in the moment. My body, mind, and soul are struggling.
It’s been four years since I escaped the haze and maze of psychiatric medication.
Author's summary: This deeply personal reflection reveals the ongoing internal battle of trauma and resilience after years of struggle and recovery beyond psychiatric treatment.